Land of Peace

(Something serious, for once.)

Rolling hills carpeted with lush, deep green grass
that sways to the beat of the wind;
forested valleys with streams and small rivers between,
the little gurgles and splashes sounding like
the delightful laughter of a child.
Birds fly around, twittering pleasurably
while adding bright swathes of colour
wherever they fly past,
and a partially clouded sky is above,
raindrops falling from the clouds to
soak into the rich earthy soil.
To the East lightning flashes and
the sounds of thunder echo across the land,
resounding off the snowy peaks of distant mountains,
while to the West the clouds make way for a blue sky,
the sun shining down on the
red cliffs that border the ocean.
Seals and seal lions clamber on to rocks
in preparation for napping,
and the sound of the ocean waves
is carried about through the air currents
where it seeks a resting place.
It is a land of peace.

A Yeti's Tale

A lonesome Yeti prowled the outskirts of Kathmandu, the city which marks the start of all important hiking expeditions to Mountain of Everest. There are treks which start in lesser-known locations, yes, but... Those unfortunate enough to participate in them are often devoured by unsavory creatures believed to be myth, such as the Yeti. But not this Yeti, oh no. Born with an unusual amount of intelligence for his kind he would rather befriend humans than dine on them. Given the cruel world that we all suffer through, though, the other Yetis shunned him from the moment he came out of the closet, putting into operation a consistent scheme which involved the throwing of many snowballs. Naturally, these events lead the Yeti to grow up in a sad and lonely matter and as a result he looked to humans for comfort and friendship.

Every night he wandered about the city limits. He was beginning to think it was of no avail - even the largest man ran screaming from him like an infant - and he might as well retreat to live life like a slimy slug, rejected by all other creatures. Sometimes out of sheer desperation he would join a group of dogs and howl into the darkness. But since he was graced with sentience he couldn’t to stand their dreary company for long. To much licking was involved for his taste.

The Yeti came to a stop, lowering his hulking frame, mud and worms squishing unpleasantly beneath his toes. Depression threatened to overwhelm him like a child squashing ants; had he ever raised a finger to harm it? No. But it came on regardless, laughing. He could almost feel the spittle wetting his face, dampening the fur around his nose and making him sneeze. A heart-throbbing yowl left his lungs - or at least that was the intention. The only effect it really had was to startle a cat out of its cattily dreams.

Suddenly, out of the blue, an idea forced its way into his mind, pushing through the other thoughts until it had the spot-light for itself. The Yeti leapt to his feet, heart-beat pounding like a giant bongo drum. Why hadn’t he thought of it before? Everyday human vehicles left for Mount Everest; when morning came he’d follow one, continuing on with the hikers as they started the ascension of the mountain itself and when the chance came he’d introduce himself with a thunderous roar just to impress them. The results would leave them feeling like a flee on an elephant’s buttocks and surely he’d be befriended than.

With purpose bubbling in his bones the Yeti hunkered down to wait. And wait. More waiting came hopping down the path in his direction and after that came, you guessed it, even more! Than there it was, the roar of a mechanical engine. He sprang nimbly to his toes as the vehicle came into sight, taking cover behind a tree. The rumbling sound grew and grew, getting louder and louder, and when the Yeti thought the vehicle had passed he leaped from hiding so as to gallop along in its wake. But with this movement all his hopes and dreams were squandered in one tragic BANG as the automatic invention crashed into him. People screamed, metal parts shot through the air, and one lonely Yeti was sent sprawling to his death.

-End

Seagulling

Once upon a time there were two little boys called Jimmeh and Timmeh. They didn't get along that well and constantly seagulled each other, to the consternation and horror of everyone else. So they were sent to the school Counselor, Mr. Wong, for counseling. They were only ten, after all.

Upon entering the office Jimmeh and Timmeh made a surprising decision - they decided to team up against Mr. Wong. So they seagulled him right splat in the face saying "Uh-oh, we got the Wong one!" and left at a run.

And so they lived, happily ever after.

-The End

An African Odyssey

The time I went on a safari in Africa, you ask?

Well, let me explain... First off, its bloody hot there. Like, unnaturally hot, as in so hot you want to strip naked then jump in a big pile of snow and role around in mad fanatic glee, giggling when it starts to tickle. But of course, that would be unacceptable when in and amongst others in a tour as it would probably have the same effect as an animatronic hippo giving birth to Jim Carrey. Which would be really weird.

Then there's the scenery and good god, it’s hardly an improvement! You have mile after mile after Jesus forsaken mile of dried up, ugly brown grass with the occasional mud hole right splat in some random location. Its as if they thought Bill Gates would actually make a decent landscaper. Which is a stupid assumption, if you ask me. The sterile twerp.

And as if this wasn’t enough, the smell absolutely sucks too! There’s the dung of ten gazillion animals that’s built up for who knows how many million trillion years with no one to clean it up like in the zoos. You name a spot, its there; on the ground, in the trees, drifting around in the water like your fat old lazy uncle and practically floating in the skies ‘cause of all the birds flying around making hideous noises and pooping on unlucky safari people.

However, the animals make the whole kerfuffle worth it, even despite the grass that looks like malformed chop sticks and the excrement that somehow ends up inside your socks. You have the zebras, prancing around looking like cute show ponies; the graceful and menacing lions, all muscled and looking ten times more dangerous than best WWF dude. There’s the flamingos (most of which are beautiful in their pink state) who prove that sometimes you are what you eat; and don’t forget the elephants, the gentle giants who make not a sound with their feet as they lumber around the savannas.

One parting tip, though - I’d highly advise that you steer clear of any safari taking place during the mating season. Those hippos and alligators... Ugh, I think I’m scared for life.


- End